The emotions are so strong.
I never thought in all my life I could love a person so much and hate them with just as much passion at the same time. Right now that is where I am. It just doesn't feel like the pain is ever going to end. I feel like I am in an endless circle. Just as I start to feel better, just as maybe I'll get through this bam another wave of unexpected pain.
Right now that pain is coming in the form of so missing this man that I have loved for so long. Over half my life has been spent as this man's wife. No matter what I do, or how I try and change the feelings or thoughts I can't get past thinking of him as my husband. Even tonight I saw a picture of him with his girlfriend and all I could think was- "that's my husband!" I wanted to scream at her, at him.
Then at the same point all I could think of was "man, I want to talk to him." I'm having major surgery in just a week and he won't be by my side. I can't even begin to explain the emotions that I am feeling about it. Part of me wants to cancel the surgery. I am not in a "have to" situation with the surgery, so I could wait.
One of the things that happens when my emotions are strong is that hearing from him sends me into an almost uncontrollable shaking fit. It is l ike you are standing outside in 0 degree weather in shorts. Just shaking and shaking.
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Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you are someone walking in the shadows of an affair I do hope that you have found some encouragement. If you just know someone who is dealing with these issues, I do hope that you can find a little more understanding.