Has been a while

I haven't wanted to share too much. It seems like a lot has been going on, and yet really nothing. My husband and I continue down the path to divorce. It remains so hard for me to say those words.

What is even harder is watching him become a man that I don't know. His words and actions towards me are something that I never thought I would see him do. No, he isn't hurting me physically, but he has become very manipulative. It can be very hard to keep the truth in mind. I have to remind myself often that it is simply his choices that have lead to this.

I know I was not a perfect wife, and I know I have not been doing this whole divorce thing the perfect way, but I have tried to continue to respect him and still protect the kids and I.

It is hard because it seems there isn't a moment that goes by that I am not thinking about him. Many times I am thinking about how much I miss him and other times it is more about how angry I am at him.

There are many things that are going on that honestly, I am not surprised. One he has refused to give me money in now 2 months. I have only asked him once since then, maybe twice. I was given the answer- "we'll see what bills I have." Now he just says, not unless court ordered.

But God provides... This week I got to take my 11 year old to a baseball game, because his friend got tickets. Then another friend was given enough tickets we were able to all go to the zoo. (Except the oldest who had to work). My bills are caught up and I have just enough to pay the one bill I need to pay this month. I found $20 in my wallet, the person is denying they put it there, but I am pretty sure I know how it got there.

I am scared. The baby is due in 5 weeks. I have never done this without my husband with me. Yet, that is how it will be. I don't need the added emotions of having him there. I do have quite a few friend though that are more than willing to be there with me. I know that I will be fully supported. My doctors are being very understanding as well and supportive.